Log:Lost in Purgatory
The room is relatively dark. The door isn't locked but there are no inviting smells either. She hasn't baked or cooked at all today. It is highly possible that the form laying in bed, reading a book, hasn't even gotten out of it. Except on the nightstand is a very large glass of what looks like orange juice. There's another bottle also on the nightstand. Of vodka. Only half the cup seems to have been drunk and, really, the level on the vodka looks like it was just opened.
Dare knocks quietly. He has warm pecan pie and a big bowl of hazelnut whipped cream on a tray, because pie is for comfort and pecan pie is delicious. He calls gently, "Hey, Doll. It's just me. Mind a little copany?"
The Thrill-Seeker's head comes up when the door opens. Momentary surprise on her face. "I thought...mmm...no, come in. But lock the door?" She sounds tired as she speaks. The book is closed, but not before noting the page she was on. Tomorrow she'll just have to go find it again unless she finishes it. When she sits up and the blankets fall away she is in a red, sleeveless, silk nighty. And she summons a ghost of a smile for Dare, though she only briefly meets his eyes. Instead looking at the pie he bears. "Is that pecan?"
Dare closes and locks the door carefully. he sets the tray by the vodka and cuts her a slice of warm pie, which he proceeds to cover in a decadant amount of whipped cream. He kises her cheek, "Well, technically, it's chocolate pecan. Not traditional, but... you know, chocolate." He presents her with plate and fork.
The Thrill-Seeker folds her legs under her on the enormous bed and watches him go about it. "I think I prefer chocolate to traditional, if I'm being honest. It can be too sweet in its original form," She still sounds tired, but there is a little more livelyness to her voice. When he hands her plate and fork the smile flickers higher, like a candle flame, then dies again. "Thanks. How are you?" It feels so formal as she looks down and starts pushing around a fallen hunk of pecan with her fork. Not really taking a bite yet.
Dare nods, "And that touch of the bitter in the sweet makes the magic." He rubs her leg, "Making things work, as much as I can. I think for a lot of people this one was as bad as Icarus was for me. There are a lot of wounds to triage."
The Thrill-Seeker continues to play chase the nut around her plate. Not really trying to secure it. "Mmmmm," She makes a non-commital sound before she nods her head. Finally sliding the fork into the tip of her slices and taking a bite. It's a small one, but it is a bit. She chews slowly, not really rushing to talk or fill the empty air quickly. "How am I the bad guy?" She finally asks before reaching for her orange juice. Okay, let's be honest. It's a screwdriver.
Dare says carefully, "I think... and it's not just me, that it's fundamentally a teenager problem. We were all tunnel visioned back there. You saw how badly I hurt Lucas without meaning to. I didn't have the perspective or nuance that every other version of me would have had. Take tunnel vision, inherent lack of subtety, and an inability to... see from all sides that comes with experience. She can't see that you were trying your best to be strong. You can't see that she could pick up on your pain which felt to her like an attack. You hurt; she hrt. Neither could see each other true. Jade and I tried to help a little when we found out how upset she was about prom, but again teenagers. Limited skills, limited experience, easily distracted. She thinks you were trying to make her the bad guy; she and Senni seem to be making you the same. From outside... this isn't a right or wrong situation; this is a people having feelings sitution."
"Prom?" Thrill-Seeker's head comes up from her plate. She looks confused and there is that pain again. "See, I keep getting blamed for stuff I don't even remember doing. Like..." And she just looks lost and sets the plate aside. Putting face in her hands and letting it rest there. "Mona got what she wanted! I backed off and never said or did anything. How does that make -me- the bad guy?" Anger tinges her voice. At least it is more alive that it was. "All I fucking did at prom was take pictures. I didn't even -have- a date!" Yeah she's mad. Or maybe it's frustration.
Dare squeezes her leg gently, "I know, and I'm mostly working from secnd hand here, but again, this isn't the land of fact, it's the land of feelings. I'm gathering that she was wanting prom to be her big momment and you maybe werenn't as subtle as you thought you were being with the sad. Again, not taking sides and I'm honestly... It seems to me we all hurt a lot of people back there and it makes sense to just forgive each other and let it go, except some people aren't ready to do that." He starts cutting himself a slice, "I've been realizing I'm not good at sustaining anger against people who aren't actively trying to murder my friends. I suspect this makes me actually less helpful in this situation, because I can't figre out why one wouldn't try to forgive unintended hurt. I forgave Arcade for much worse from when he was Hark. I can't figure out why this isn't a hug it out situation."
"I didn't -do- anything, though!" Cheer goes from mad to that pain and sadness again. Shaking her head and making a grumbly sound deep in her throat. It would have been an unhappy growl if she were Sekhmet. But she isn't. "I am -not- apologizing for -not- doing anything. I will not apologize for being sad. That's like asking me to apologize for Raul being gone," Her voice has turned bitter and still she doesn't lift her head. "I would be -lying- if I did apologize because I didn't DO anything. I backed off. I avoided. I was pleasant except grad night when shit got crazy and -that- was at Thea!" And again she growls and her shoulders tense as her hands ball up. Fists over eyes now.
Dare says gently, "I know, Lovely. Doesn't mean she doesn't have feelings about Silver anyway. Feelings can be like that sometimes. I'm not advising you to do anything in particulr. I'm just explaining so you know what's going on with Cassandra and Senni."
The Thrill-Seeker lets out a sigh and those tense shoulders sag. "'Kay," The word is soft. There's a sniff and she lifts her head. Roughly wiping at her eyes with hands. Again she reaches for the screwdriver. But she doesn't take a big gulp. Just a normal drink. "I'm sorry...I don't think I'm really hungry," She says when she turns back, seeing the poked at piece beside her. She looks up at him and then down and away.
Dare nods, expression all empathetic concern, "Think hugs might help?"
The Thrill-Seeker picks up the plate and moves to put it on the table. "Yeah...maybe...I dunno," She says as she leans back and then curls up back on her side. It's definitely more of an invitation to cuddle than hug. A few heartbeats of quiet, "I felt so useless and...meek last time. I don't even know how to process it. Let alone everyone else..."
Dare climbs in, being barefoot, and offers her an encircling arm, "You were very bright. Gave Flick a run for her money, you did. Towards the end... I think you wwere so depressed it wasn't reasnable o expect much of you."
The Thrill-Seeker reaches to pat the bit of bed next to her, but doesn't seem inclided to sit up again just yet. "I fucked up so bad...it's one thing when the consequences are mine...something else entirely when others suffer for my sins," Voice soft and weak in it's whisper.
Dare curls to face her, lying beside her, "Depression and anger leed to some pretty fucked up things. I was Angel. Trust me, I know." He takes a breath, "Hector thought it was hs fault you and Cash drank, you know? That all that came of that wa his fault."
Well now she has to look at him or bed rude. Thrill-Seeker's lip twitches and she almost smiles. One hand takes one of his and fingers lock together. "Anger? I don't..." But she pauses and she thinks about it. "Mmmm...no. Hector wasn't the cause...I'm not even sure...no, I am..." She looks down and away. "I thought...it would be a silly thing. A single sip couldn't do anything to you. Then I could say I had drank alcohol and be part of the cool kids," She says. There was...some anger though. But it was at Dad. What he did. Finding out about you was like...he had hit me or something. I wanted to hit him back. So there, I drank alcohol before I was 21. Neener...It was way more than that..."
Dare smiles crookedly, "Once you explained you were angry at Raymond, not him, it lifted the burden a little, but you'd ot have been angry at your dad if he hadn't turned up to throw your vew of your father into chaos." He plays with her hair with his free hand, arm at an odd angle, "Hector loved youso much, but he didn't know what to do when the dpression got bad. you taking that drink? A lot more innocent than what Hector did in Silver's place back in January. I went off into the dark to what could have been crime scene number two with a guy with those muscles and let him push me off a cliff. He had n instict Morrison wouldn't hurt him, but he could have had friends waiting to beat the queer or the cliff could have nt had water under it. Most people don't pay so heavily for a rebelious first sip of alcool. It wasn't fair you had to."
The Thrill-Seeker smiles faintly, sadly, at Dare and shifts to make the angle less awkward. For them both, "You can have some, it's a big glass. I was just sipping it while reading." And she reaches for the screwdrive with those long and gently muscled arms. Not like Sekhmet's, though her length of limb and body are roughly the same. "Wait...he did?" She looks at him with a sudden frown. No longer focusing on herself makes it better. "I'm really glad that was all he did! Oh my goodness, that must have been terrifying. Why didn't you tell me?" And she reaches out to stroke his cheek with the back of her hand.
Dare takes a sip of he own, then settles back, amused, "Oh, Cheer, this is me. I yelled with delight the whole way down, and asked if he wanted to do it again, but he had other things in mind.... It was flirting. He jumped right after me, ready to pull me out if I hadnn't been a strong swimmer. We wanted the same thing that night. To feel alive. To forget the bigger problems. To find someone who could keep the hell up." He lifts her hand to his lips, "You and I aren't normal people, Lovely. Toss us off a cliff and we either try to fly or enjoy the ride down."
Dare adds, "It was quite possibly the sexiest thing he could have done."
"Oh. It was -that- kind of push. Jerk, making me think it was something worse," Thrill-Seeker says. Lips twisting gently as she reaches out to gently push at his shoulder. Not even enough to make him spill. It's her bed after all. The drink is then taken back and she sips again before setting it down. When he kisses her fingers she sighs and briefly closes her eyes. "Yeah...that's about right. But this time there was no cliff for me. I wish there had been. I wish...I don't know..."
Dare kisses her lips this time, "My point was, it could easily have been. I knew worse was a possibility. I didn't care. What I did was so much more dangerous than what you did and the consequences were so much worse for you. I got a couple weeks of amazing sex out of my risk and eventually a friend that was so much more valuavle than the lover, even if there was an ugly break up and some shitty months in between. I deserved dire consequences, not you." He nods, "You do better when you have something to fight physically against, showvels to swing, charges to plant, people who deserve it to hunt and kill." he strokes her cheek, "I hate that you've been so alone these last two times. You deserve to love and be loved. Even if it is a middle aged coward who makes you laugh or mutilated God with a dildocollection."
The Thrill-Seeker's eyes open at the touch of his lips. And then close again. Her response is sluggish, but she scoots closer with the rest of her body. "It seems to me no one ever gets what they deserve...and very rarely what they want. And that? Not for long...I think Chance is right. This is purgatory," She speaks in a soft whisper still. "Maybe I'm supposed to be learning how to be alone...that's why things fell out how they did last time...why Raul...is gone." The words are heavy and relucant. Thoughts that she doesn't want to admit too, but won't be quiet.
Dare holds her, warm and solid and smelling like himself, "I don't thnk thatwas punishment for you. I think his... whatever he was here to do was up. I don' think ny of this is punishment. I think they... ry to give us what luxaries they can to make up for the terroble things they do to us, but the purose feels bigger than some sort of huis clos/No Exit situation."
The Thrill-Seeker is quiet and she says, "Lessons are not always about punishment. They're about learning something. I don't know. Silver knew a lot about dead stuff. But ghosts that repeat? They're going it to learn something, tell something, or fix something usually. So they can move on." Then she goes quiet again and the corners of her lips turn town, a faint pucker between her brows. Those copper-brown eyes open and meet his own. Then slowly begin to move as she reaches out to stroke his cheek again. "Thank you for loving me."
Dare kissing the crease between her brows, "You are so very easy to love, Doll. Never forget that. I m so very glad I met you."
The Thrill-Seeker is trying hard to muster a smile. The fight on her lips is clear. But instead a tear slides down one cheek and she closes her eyes again. "I'm sorry. I want to focus on you and this, but I just...I'm lost, babe. And no matter how many cliffs I jump off of, it isn't getting better...Thank you for checking on me."
Gently fingers brush the tears away. "How can I help, Love? I want to help you find home."
"I...don't know. If I did, I'd do something. But right now? Right now I just want to go jump off a cliff and the next reset so I do it again. Till we fall back into a story." Cheer says weakly, guilty and sad. "But I don't even want to...risk going out into the parlor. I don't want to see that blame that isn't on me..."
Dare strokes her hair, "I'm sorry. I really am. It's a lot to handle." He smiles wryly, "None of my instincts are helping. All my instincts are variations of me throwing myself on a grenade which would e zero help in this situation."
The Thrill-Seeker bites her lower lip hard and her eyes open again. Pained. "I'm sorry. You always want to fix it, take on the pain, and all that...and yeah, there's no fix like that here. Chance and I both came out of that bad. Like...I feel that heavy, depressing weight Silver did at the end..." She sighs and shifts to curls in against him now. Legs slipping over to tangle with his. "I never pursued criminal justice because the rest of her life, she was paralyzed by fear...well...what of it I remember."
Dare slifts a little so he can hold her properly, "It was a lot to carry alone. You shouldn't have to. She definately shouldn't've had to. This really is your version of what Angel was for me."
The Thrill-Seeker is trembling ever so slightly as he pulls her in. There's a quiet sound that actually sounds happy. Then the feeling of her burying her face into the crook of his neck. "I love you. Is it bad of me that...I don't really want to share you with anyone but Fel? Just for one trip through the facility...to be first for once," She sounds so uncertain. That lost feeling. "I think that's Raul being gone talking though..."
Dare holds her and strokes her back, "Tomorrow, would you like to slip past everyone first thing and just go spend all day just you and I anywhere but here? We could go parachuting, or just curl up on blankets on the rock where we first made love, or go be Osiris and Sekmet or any damned thing you want. It can't be now as the Parlour was full when I got the pie." He kisses the top of her head, "I really am sorry about Raul."
The Thrill-Seeker lets out a very soft, sad, little sigh and nods. "Yeah...I don't know what I want to do. I don't know if I want to -be- anyone. I'll just let you lead for once. Because...well. Lost," Her arm slips around his side and pulls him closer. "Maybe next time will be better." She says after several seconds of quiet cuddling.
Dare is all about the snuggling, "I hope it is, because you deserve a break, Doll. I hope next time brings you love and light and all good things."
"That...would be nice I think," Says Thrill-Seeker softly. And then she quiets and just enjoys being with The Matryr. Curled close and warm.