Log:Church of Your Heart
In a raid of the cabin of the late Candice Flick Colorado took a couple things as a keepsake: Her ring and the diary that contains the following:
<Found in general across older entries>
There's someone named Chris who, given older entries, she loved and cared about very much. The tale unfolds with their great college romance falling apart as her heartbreak plays out on paper that she has been losing him to his own obsessions. Brilliant mind, but now turning to a life of trying to make a synthetic high.
Shockingly it's not that it's illegal she's seemingly upset but genuinely is scared he's going to get hurt, but now his actions are hurting other people. He said it was to get money to pay off their loans they can get married and get a house.
She told him that or me. She writes, "Apparently I'm not seeing the bigger picture whatever that means. he's not seeing how he's destroying himself and poisoning everything he cares about. He didn't used to be this way. None of this ever used to be this way. Why is enough never enough? Why is being a good person not enough for anyone?"
It compounds when it's constantly heralded as 'no big deal' but Chris' 'friends' start losing interest in the things they're passionate about
<3 years ago:>
<Oh there's some angry entries about Ethan Drake!>
OH THIS GUY! He reads. he's smart at what he does but he's another one that doesn't flipping care about what he does to people.
No I do NOT want to see your Camaro, Mr. Drake. I want to see you care about something else then entertaining yourself. People listen to you and look up to you and you squander it. Too bad I know you will never listen to me. I can't do this with people who are hellbent on taking others down with them! I'd ask why you do it to yourself but the better question is why are you alright treating other people this way?
<A year of entries one thumbs through that follows her dad in and out of the hospital and visiting him and encouraging him. She's terrified because he's trying to assure everyone else he's okay when he's the one that's scared.>
Sometimes all we can do when we're scared I guess is try to make people around us braver, because that's who we need them to be. Everyone's scared he tells me. It doesn't make us weak, it can only teach us compassion.
Diary, I promise to be better at making a plan when I'm afraid. Even if that plan can't help me it will help someone and we'll be stronger for it as a whole.
God I wish this worked with Chris.
<Two Years ago>
New Kid today. Lyle Lucas. I think he used to visit. He's already another headache. Because I needed my stapler to be found in the refrigerator. I don't know if he's bored or what. Yeah ha ha real funny.
Okay he fixed the teller machine without giving me a lot of guff and calmed down this impossibly persistent woman. I don't know where entitled people come from but I'd like the receipt to send them back. Can we just get some better quality people? God, give me strength."
Okay new kid smuggled me lunch when I had to cover for Mr. Barrett and found one of our guest's missing wallets. He can return someone's money but he can't return my stapler. I don't understand. And now my glue, markers, and my chair are gone. Why is he doing this!? What are we 12??"
Yeah that didn't last long. Apparently trouble is now double trouble. You know I've tried being nice to this kid, but team Chris, Rat and Ethan get another convert. Why do I feel like I've been put here to watch potential get so lost? Is this what Jesus wants from me? Is it to learn humility that I have to accept the things I cannot change or does he want me to rise up and not give in? I just-
<ink bleeds where tears smudged the ink>
I just want to know what I need to do to be a good person. What do I have to do to to make these guys see there is more to life out there than just sitting still and wasting away. They could all be so smart and help so many people.
<year and a half ago>
Lyle looks up to Ethan like he's God's gift to machines. He has no idea he just treats people like Kleenex. God this kid is becoming me. top falling in love with people that value their kicks over other human beings. It's a dark hole. You have a kindness in you when you're not fighting the world and setting yourself up to fail putting your value in the hands of someone that does not value other people.
God don't let him make my mistakes.
Oh God, Chris is working with me now.
Someone tell me why work is spiraling out of control. At least Mr. Barrett has been able to help me focus and manage this. He cares so much about making this a nice place and that's got to be so lonely feeling like the only one that cares sometimes.
Trust me, sir, I know. I hear ya.
Stuck in cabin sick. Of all people Mr. Lucas came to look in on me. Told me I was doing a good job and not to worry so hard on stuff. Sometimes people can't help being who they are. He asked me honestly is it better to forgive and not give up on someone or to walk away if we're getting hurt.
I have no answer for him.
I can't tell if he's talking about himself or me.
He says he's fine. Neither of us are.
I told him sometimes other people can't help what they do. Sometimes we can't either. Maybe it's on all of us to try.
I'm going to try to talk to Chris when I'm over this flu.
<1987: Day of the Drowning>
Diary, We almost lost Lyle today. He fell off the bridge. Mallory called it in. Even Mr. Barrett looked scared, well, for Addison Barrett. I wanted to cry so badly, but there's things that need to be done. Thankfully we were able to turn this situation around. His resume said he could swim! It's a mandatory question!
Never been so scared in my life. You're 18, you have life ahead of you even if you don't realize this is just a beginning and things get better out there.
God, please help him. I don't want him to die here. I'm tired of seeing my friends get hurt and so much potential go unused. He's a better kid than what he got handed. This isn't fair.
On the other hand I have never seen Ethan so scared in his life. Maybe there's a human being in there. For both their sakes I hope.
Please let him be okay.
<7 months ago:>
Lord give me strength, the neon cowboy has arrived. I'll be honest, I don't know what to think. I now you wouldn't be proud of me for some of those things.
He's loud and beautiful and garish and abs. I should not be superficial. It not okay to do that to a person, to just treat them like a spectacle. He's a person and... there might be dignity. Can one have dignity and really really tight pants?
I kinda really just want to rub butter on him and bite him.
I'm going to hell for that aren't I?
God, deliver us from temptation.
Got to actually talk to the new guy a bit. he's the new bartender. You can see the bar from the front desk. Work got twice as difficult. He calls me Miss Candi. I really hate being called 'Candy'. It's a stripper name but there is such a earnest respect in it. Something to be said for Southern Manners. I know that smile is one given to anyone, but his eyes are different. There is such a gentle kindness in that crop top and cowboy hat.
He genuinely seems to enjoy the people and what he does and he makes going to work so much easier. It's not to have people who smile and care about how we treat people. Trying to hold the fort alone sucks.
Terrible day at work. Mr. Barrett is entirely disappointed in how the boathouse situation got handled. Snares' off his meds. Lyle is fighting with Ethan again and of course Ethan has no earthly idea because he never cares what happens to other people long enough to actually notice reality is happening all around us. Oh yeah, fire in the kitchen.
Colorado came and brought me a Shirley Temple in it. He made a little parrot out of the fruit to stick on teh side of the glass. Wanted to let me know some days are like that.
He reminds me a little kindness can make a big difference.
I can do this.
We're going to go back after lunch and save the day.
It's nice not to be the only one that notices things around here.
It's going to be busy in the bar later. I'll have to help him clean up and get the tables sorted after 5 when I get off.
Not like that
I am definitely going to get in trouble one of these days.
Diary, I promise not to become my cousin Allison.
<4th of July 1989>
4th of July at the lodge is always loud. We worked our butts off tonight I sat out in the gazebo and and talked with Chris. Things will never be the same and he's not the same person he was. The man I loved for 8 years is now a ghost that walks among us, smiled, does his job, and lies about how much better things are. The boy I knew is gone and I feel so alone.
I headed back inside to help clean up. It's a mess and I need something to do. Colorado gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and told me 'it's a new year what could go wrong now?'
I laughed and told him "That's not what 4th of July means!" He told me, "Why the hell not, Miss Candi?"
he's got a point, and I do feel better.
I wish I could tell him thank you. That he makes me feel like I'm not a failure i trying to keep changing things. He makes me brave not because he's pretty but because he reminds me being a good person still counts for something.
I just wish I could be brave enough to tell him that. I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to embarrass myself in front of him.
<There are some shorter notes, but with the influx of 4 large groups the writing stops>