Log:And it All Adds Up
The Rogue sits on the couch looking more like Caleb Colton than he has recently as the young staffer from the Lodge. 35, both eyes in tact, and with an unmistakable South African accent that seems to be muttering what might be cuss words at the tele. One leg folded under him and the other bent up the Rogue stays bunched into the corner of the couch watching the gift exchange of the book to Mallory with a tight jaw, and biting at his thumbnail.
The Confidant may have arrived screaming but he's been very quiet since. He hasn't even been writing on the walls or his door. The door is open though, if only a crack. But soon, the familiar redhead is striding into parlor he stops in his tracks at the sight of the television. "Whoa..." He starts over, mouth hanging open. "Wait, wait, wait...you can watch..." He looks back at the viewer and startles. "Caleb! I thought you were...gone until someone mentioned you here. Where were you, man? And what's with the TV? Did you...see me?" That idea seems to horrify him and he sits on the other end of the couch.
The Rogue just watches, disturbed, with eyes frozen on the tele until the gas catches him. He almost, almost calls the Confidant 'Jody' out of habit but stops. The look is far more expression than the man's openly given up as Caleb Colton, but no less honest as it reads of regret, disgust, and...concern? Huh. "Chance." He remembers to greet him by the chosen name. The question though? That sticks with him and he remains silent for a long moment before flinching faintly, nodding. "I did. That was a hell of a thing, man." Still he looks around and shakes his head pointing at the screen, "Ja no, man. Was there until... well... yeah. Woke up here. Thought I ran into the same situation twice until," He gestures at the television where Ethan and Colorado are consoling Mallory and giving her Bastian Roen's field book. "saw some made it out." It doesn't even occur to him that he might be otherwise potentially unrecognizable.
This TV thing is clearly blowing The Confidant's mind. He leans back and runs his hands through his hair with a sigh. "This is the worst. This...this is f-fucking--" His voice catches and he finally looks away. "It's cruel. I can't even begin to express the ways this is..." He stops and takes a deep breath. "I want to smash it but I know it's pointless." He looks at the screen, in spite of himself. "Colorado. Nolan...Mallory." He calls the names he knows. "So many of us were so young. Ugh." He looks over to The Rogue. "How'd you...die?" He asks. "I'd share my tale but...I never--I never died before. Well, the once but it was quick. I didn't look into my sister's eyes as my spine was being torn out." He sighs. "I remember, by the way...I mean, you saw me, right? Memory with all the holes? Not here. I remember everything he forgot. And all the times I heard Kaspar died and Misty and..." He trails off, shaking his head.
Confidant and Rogue are sharing a couch, one sitting tensely on each end as they watch the TV.
The Martyr returns quietly, hesitating at the body language, but on figuring out the why's of it quietly comes to stand behind one of the chairs.
The Rogue looks to Chance-once-Derek and just closes his eyes. Well at least he has two. They open hearing the foot fall and Martyr's given an upnod. "Hey. Might as well have a seat. We're tormenting ourselves trying to keep vigil over our own"
Looking back to Chance he offers gently, "Having o watch it happen isn't as bad as not being able to do shit about it. Not let them know, eish, I'm alright here. I just... can't tell if it matters. Question becomes more than a mite bit philosophical then."
How did he die?! The Rogue's jaw tightens and it takes him more than a moment of silence before answering that with a deep breath. My... name was Lyle Lucas. I was 20 years old and an electrician for the lodge." There's the faintest of smirks given to the Confidant, "Yeah, I lost another fekkin eye. But... figured out how to take down Freak. They got me up in to Lakeview to do it. Didn't have enough time for people to get clear when I let him up. He... arced and took us down. Fekkin cooked me from the inside out, but.... but I saved Ethan at least." His hand, still looking a bit weathered as it always does, gestures to the screen. "This horrible thing is honestly why I haven't gone complete batshit. I couldn't find Scott, Colorado, or Ethan here. Turns out? they survived." he looks to Martyr with a slow nod knowing the concern here isn't over. "Was afraid they would vanish like Addie did.
The Confidant gives Martyr a small wave of acknowledgement but his focus is on Rogue, listening and cringing appropriately. It all ends in a tight frown and a sniff. "Addie..." He swallows. "I never considered that. What if I didn't come back? Or Senni. And what if you had to watch?! For fuck's sake, that can still happen!" He deflates. "You lost /another/ eye? Dude, don't let that become a pattern. I know patterns. Patterns suck." Beat. "This one was the worst though. Our memories are everything. All we get when the fucking thing is over."
The Martyr nods, "I've been in and out. I... want to make sure I'm waiting for him if... I want to be there." He sits. "As horrible as it is watching them grieve, I still think I'd rather know who to look for and to be able to tell who may not be coming. I think I'd hate not knowing so much more, but I completely get why some people don't. It helped that Cheer could tell me right away who'd survived, that I could see them getting the wounded out. It helped her when she was all alone here most of a week. Imagine all that time with no one to talk to not knowing.... It may be sick and fucked up, but it's still better than not knowing for me." He looks away, "At least I got to tell him I loved him seconds before I died. At least my last sight was him."
The Rogue just watches Chance with that flat stare of his as he slowly catches on. There is a snort at the end though with a nod, "Yeah Matthew had to rip the damn thing out of my head with a spoon and a creme brule torch. That was... so fucking not fun." Still he worked at putting that part of his memory as far away from him with a murmur as he can.
Yes, Chance, Addie. "And now... you get why I watch. Because of anything fucking happens to Ethan? Champ? Julian? Rado? fuck it any of my goddamned family? I want to make sure they don't have to witness that alone. If it affects them it matters to me man. I don't..." There's a pause for Rogue to work at keeping his composure contained and calculated, and it is an effort as the emotion builds up like a quiet fury in him. Thankfully he still possesses Caleb's stillness to some extent. "I don't want them to have to describe it to make me understand. If we care and deserve to knew then they deserve to not have to walk that alone."
Looking to Martyr Rogue's shoulders slouch giving him the update, "He's still wearing my shirts and my watch. I can't tell if it's fucked up that he's doing it to console himself and I feel better for it or not." With a deep breath he pushes his fingers through his hair. "I feel so bad for Scott. He went from being a blank slate and trying to understand... why life was so hard after Prosperity and now? Fuck me mate's going through half the shite Caleb did. I really wish he didn't get it but now? Brother's suffering, man. His people are dying scared and he can't stop it." This too hits a quiet sorrow for the savvy scoundrel.
The Confidant is growing more distressed by the moment as Martyr and Rogue speak. By the time Rogue finishes, his hands are up and reaching. "Hey, hey...okay. I understand. I had someone special...early on. She didn't come back after round two and..." He sighs and lets his hands drop. "This fucking TV. It's a god damn menace." He looks between his company. "I'm at a loss. I don't have the words to make this better." Which he follows up with words, in an attempt to make things better. "It's on the final reel. I mean, there was our distraction. Soon, we'll see how the others did and...fuck, sometimes...people didn't explain things to me. Like...they eventually knew it was a waste of breath. Anyway, I know that we were fighting for our lives, even if I don't know the details. And..." He looks towards Martyr now. "It'll be over...the Encounter, as I call them, end. And then, under ideal conditions, we /all/ come back. Look to that. We come back and we're fine. Caleb has his eye. I have...a normal body and mind." He chuckles lightly and then he's serious again. "We have to be strong for them. For when they return, however they return. They will need us."
The Martyr is still looking away, his voice a little rough. "Danny has my shirt. I hadn't washed it yet. It's a way for them to keep a piece of us with them. I... wasn't sure he loved me until I saw him with that shirt. Now I know." He growls, "I feel terrible for Scott. He can't even mourn openly. He's being so fucking brave and trying sso fucking hard to live up to... he's trying so damned hard to be the best Scott he can be." He turns back, red eyed and teary and says gently to the confident, "It's all right. There is nothing to make better. It's a matter of waiting, is all. I don't even know if... things will make sense for us even if he does return, and the waiting is almost over." He nods, "I've already planned for if... when they come back. I have realistic expectations on my side and I'll be there for them as much as they want me to be."
The Rogue points behind them, "Chance, I give them a half hour before it turns into a fekkin house party in here, mate. Every going to shite right now and the world is literally burning. They'll need us? You just fekkin got recycled. Sit still. We'll get you a drink. Have a nervous breakdown if it's cathartic for you, just... let's..." With a deep breath he murmurs, "We'll hopefully know in the next couple hours who we are fortunate enough to get back. Just because they're alive there doesn't mean they'll make it back here so... we can freak out or? Maybe better, hedge our bets for them. Be prepared. Plan accordingly even and just..." He sighs looking tired from watching the TV play on. His expression flinched watching the prep scenes like he is punched in the heart all over again. "Man, Julian is not catching a break this encounter. Guy almost drowns, is the outsider, loses his brother, makes a friend, helps do the impossible, saves said friend's life, then not only LOSES that friend but the rest of his damn team after trying so fekking hard to get ahead. Now he's left to take all that fucking rage and melt a bunker... I'm so proud of the bastard. I dunno he'll ever appreciate that or just fucking punch us for misplaced pride and not trying to find a way out of this bloody hellbox."
"Danny..." Confidant stands and moves to Finn. He points down the hall, pointing out The Addict's door. "When it's over, Dare, that is where he will be." His voice is low, comforting. "/I/ don't forget a face and I don't forget a door and I happen to know Danny from our last Encounter. He's great and he will be so glad to see you, because you are new to the family and some people we meet don't have doors. Like his wife, right, Caleb? He had a wife then." He smiles, in spite of his best comforting efforts. "I'm going to give you...and Caleb the same advice I get all the love-lorn here. What you had there was real and those feelings are true and deep and you have to take them with both hands while you are here. Because you will sleep. And you will wake up to a new world and you don't know the time or the da--" And Rogue crashes Chance's pretty speech. He drops his head and smiles a little.
"There is no way out of his cycle of hell and pain." He returns to his spot on the couch. "I don't drink. And I don't do nervous breakdowns. People need me to be strong. So. That's what I do." Beat. "Recycled. Huh. I kinda like that."
The Martyr looks up at the Confidant, "I'll be okay. I always am. I need to feel things properly first, but then I accept them. I keep on fighting. I'm not broken. I'm one of those trees that sways in a strong wind but survives the hurricane. It was true there and it's true here, so I think it is a thing like the love and my center from which all else springs. I lose it a little when I need to, but I'm all right after. I plan to be waiting in front of his door when he wakes." He looks back and forth between them, then drops his voice, "Which door is Scott's? I want to be there when he wakes too."
The Rogue just shakes his head slowly to Chance, "Way ahead of you. Not sure it matters much. Everything I try to protect has an uncanny way of turning to shit." He turns to the man once his brother in law curious; resigned and not drowning in the grief fresh from the situation now feeling long past. "You know, your sister and I did everything we bloody well could to get things just right. To win. To live. And I wonder if we weren't supposed to and this was the punishment. In succeeding they still find a way to hold my head under water. What I realized?" He looks to both of them and sighs just tired, "Maybe it was never about us. I don't... know if Ethan will even make it back, or if any of this will even leave an impact on him or if he'll bounce back to seclusion as Not-Julian always down; as Bunny (Bravo) is trying to. What I do know is that like Dare here points out? We can be grateful for whatever there is. The expectation isn't ours to put on them though." Looking to Finn a very faint smile warms, "Close to the entrance. Champagne glass on it with a man. He'll be glad for more company. We can't be everywhere at once though."
Confidant is all grumbles and snorts after Rogue finishes. He's not dismissive, no, maybe just unhappy that someone might have a point. He makes the Scott-Door connection and he instinctively covers his nose. "Scott is one of the new guys. Oh, man, yeah, he's going to need someone." Beat. "And--I--I mean, of course there is no, uh, expectation! But...if it's right, let it be right. I...love Senni. Misty. Maya. Whatever. I never met her in her first go. And the last two we had connections. Next time? I might be gay. Again. But my lover might have a door this time and holy fuck, that'll be a god damn mess when I land here because...I love Senni here. But now I love another? And that's just one kind of connection. We were family in Prosperity. Caleb was my brother in law and I tried to fuck him because I had beef with my sister. Imagine that awkward shit? I went on an apology tour after that Encounter.--My point is, take what you can get before its gone. Here is what matters. Here is what's real." He looks back to Caleb then, "The Encounters...I don't think they have a deeper meaning. Fail, win. We all come back. Mostly."
The Martyr nods, "Champagne. Fizz. Got it." He seems comforted. He says firmly, "Scott has someone, but best not to say it generally as I've no idea if he'll want people to know how close our friendship was." he blinks a few times slowly and reaches out to lightly touch The Confidant's arm, "Love is finite. It is possible to love all sorts of people in all sorts of ways. You can love more than one person with all your strength and still find room for more love. We don't kind it odd when people love there parents and their partners and their siblings and their children and their pets and their community and their country all at once. The more you love the more you can love. With honesty and communication one can work these things out. It just takes being realistic about yourself and the people you love." he cocks his head and looks between them, "Have you all ever lost? Not just some of you. I mean, has the group ever failed to save the world in the end? What if saving the world is the point?"
The Rogue has a natural and uncanny way about him to be the optimist, realist, and pessimist all in one package. How he wakes up at reset is anyone's guess, really. The patient look is not without compassion though. On the point of Scott though he admits, "Scott is...one of my two closest friends in this place. I promised him he won't have to deal with this alone, don't worry. But the new people? Let's ... let them have a lil space to figure out their feelings. Lectures can come later but it's gonna hurt."
The Rogue just arches an eyebrow at Martyr and says flatly, "You sound like a greeting card." Somehow this brings him the amusement of a mild comfort rubbing his hand over his face sinking into the couch. "Honestly? It's not mine to know. I don't need to know. But I'm going to disagree. The more you love? the more exposed your flanks are. Compassion is one thing. Love? That's the wound that kills and when you can't die?" He winces, "Mite more than tragic, friend. Choose wisely. Choose your investments carefully or the grief? It will overtake you and pick you clean like a vulture and a snack. You find the one or the few? Hold onto that with both hands and fight the world. Can't fight the world on everything though. Gotta get choosy with your battles."
Confidant quietly listens to both with a big eyed gaze that even Derek had at times. He's realizing something and it's not comfortable. His body language says more than he does, at least at first. "Oh, Caleb..." He begins, as his long legs draw up towards his chest. "I love everyone." He speaks it quietly, as if testing it. "I mean...we kinda put together the doors. The symbols are like, an image of a part of us. People are leaning on me on my door. And if I just admit it, all I want to do here is help everyone. Help them adjust. Cope. Sound off. Whatever they need, I don't care, I will fucking do it because...love. Like Dare said. That big love that love your pets and family and friends. But...everyone here has a...link to me. Straight to my heart. And that's...kinda painful, really. And it's a weakness, sure but I don't know who I could be without it."
The Martyr studies the Rogue, "Love can also buoy you up, like salt in a sea. Love is always there even as I mourn. Even as I bleed. I can pick my battles and still want everyone to walk away at the end. Wanting the best and planning for the worst aren't mutually exclusive. I mourn where there is space to mourn, but love keeps be moving forward and fighting. I think for all we both want to figure this place out and... do what we're likely to do when and if we ever find out, you and I are very different in respect to this. You are a guarded outpost, but I have to be an open door. There is a heart literally carved onto my door here. I think hat's not an accident."
The Rogue stands, unfolding his limbs. Walking over, perhaps a rarity for him, but his hand drops to Chance's shoulder and gives it a squeeze. He offers, "And my door has a man apart keeping an eye on everyone for things that sneak up that they fail to pay attention to. How you manage all that?" The Rogue chortles picking up a glass, "No bloody idea. I don't envy you though."
His eyes glass over looking back to the television. "Chance you say that like I've ever fucking any of those things survive. You have those things in abundance. I never have. The animals are gone, my family removed repeatedly until I am the last one standing, my only child taken, and I'm not discussing Addie. You need a different example." Another pang of dread hits him not wanting to point out given all of his patterns? Well Declan/Nolan/Ethan's warranty for re-circulation may be up for question isn't something he can stomach to vocalize. He walks over and just grabs one of the glasses he and looks to Dare. The words are quiet and contrite. "Sorry, mate. I just...Maybe you can do that but I can't again. I need em to be alright." Taking the glass set out the Rogue heads back down the hall to get his feet back under him and maybe just not worry himself to the point of losing his lunch. Again. Ugh.